My life is as equally entertaning as cable

I love Chris. I always will, to me he will always be that perfect person to me. I want us to stand up and say that we want to be together. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I am not sure where I stand with Chris and I am not sure if I will get a complete answer from him ever. I know that he likes to keep his options open and I feel like I am one of his open doors that he may or may not walk through. Unfortunately, I can't be standing around and guessing. I wish I had some sort of concrete answer from him. It doesn't even have to be a yes or no answer - it just has to be an honest answer rather than just giving me this bullshit about just being physically attracted to me and that it. Just open up to me. That's all I am asking.

I loved holding Chris this morning and sleeping with him (just in the same bed - don't get that excited. I loved being with him but I must say that I spent most of morning thinking that if I keep up with this pattern of just appeasing Chris - this is eventually going to bust and not for him. For me. The shitty thing is I feel like the games are starting to be played. I feel like my body and my sexuality is a prize and it is not something that I want to share with him. Once I have sex with him. That's it - he has gotten everything that he has ever wanted. Friendship, loyalty, compassion, humor, and intimacy. He is totally fulfilled. While I am left wondering if that door that Chris is leaving open for me will ever be shut and I will never really get an answer because why does he need to give me one.

Life Lessons 101: Whats changed a lot in five years

Actually, a lot.

My five year high school reunion was on Wednesday and I must say that I have changed a lot. My life experience, the way I look, good and bad times have all made me a better person. But some old habits and traits die hard.

It makes me think about the good and qualities in my life. Alyson is right, I am a bedazzler. And I should be proud of that and show it to the world. That is something that has changed. I don't think that I would have recognized that a few years ago. I should be proud of who I am, good and bad flaws. I am not saying that I am perfect at it but I think continually striving for \acceptance from myself is always a positive and productive pursuit. I think that I am more social and recognize my abilities. Everyday, even when I feel as if I have not been perfect, I try to calm myself down and recognize the truth in that situation rather than my anxious point of view.
But there is a lot I beat myself up for - for no reason at all. I expect to be perfect at all times and the center of attention and when I don't get that - I feel as if I have failed. My sense of failure is extremely skewed. When other people fail, in my eyes, that I am associated with - I feel as if I failed and I become embarrassed. Which makes no sense. We all say silly things sometimes. Also, when I am in pain of I feel like I am stupid, or really when I feel as if other people perceive me as that way - I freak out. And I try to impose my maturity or smartness on the people that love me and know that I am that way. I take it out on them. And I don't want to do that any more. I should really me real - I have done that to a lot of people in my life. And it was wrong. My brother, people in middle school, boyfriends (especially boyfriends). I want to love myself and when I am having a bad day - I don't want to hurt other people and most importantly - I don't want to hurt myself. That is something that I need to work on. I want to be comfortable in my own skin as best I can and enjoy the people I am with for who they are, not what I expect them to be. Which I think that it easier said then done.

Well, its almost my birthday and a new year - there is always hope for the future :)

While I was dreaming about orgasms....

If a girl isn't getting any, she sure can think about it. That was all I could think about all week. I just want Matt to come in and sweep me of my feet. But it's pretty clear that I have so much to work to do on myself. Its not to say that at this point in my life I am not a catch. I am smart, successful, and funny. I think that I base my success if life on how I did professionally and personally at work that day. And although I can always learn from those experiences it doesn't determine who I am.

I think that I am starting that I have so much anxious energy that I can't focus. Maybe that is what I think that I have ADD and I can't focus - is that I have this anxious energy that I can't seem to focus methodically on what I am suppose to do. I think that I am starting what I need to do to take care of myself and what I need to do to help my anxiety decrease. I can tell that when I cut out the chocolate and the chai lattes really helps. But I feel that if I worked out at least three days a week and listened to my relaxation tape that could really help me.

But maybe it is coming slowly and surely - I am not dancing after 8 pm and I making my bed and putting my clothes away, taking care of myself. Maybe I need to take care of myself first. Doing all these things makes me feel special and good about myself. Maybe I have been treating myself so poorly after this past year that even doing these little things for myself and knowing that I am going to keep them up is so inspiring and driving for me.

Unfortunately, I don't think that anything is going to work out with Matt. Because if he is smart and a thinker, and I know that he is, that he is going to make me come to him because he doesn't want to be a rebound. Although I could be wrong but I want him to come to be - I think that I am going to optimistically realistic about this. I think that he does like me and that he does feel something for me but even the best intentions sometimes get lost and I have to remember that. I want to be confident and assertive about the situation and know what I want. But that sometimes all you can do. But maybe my goal, by the end of the year, is to kiss him. Although I have lots of goals, that we will be one of them :)

Big Brass Bed

They always say the beginings of relationships are always the most fun. Last night with Matt, I had the best time! He comes into the office and asks me if I want to go to dinner - I was so excited. I'll be honest, he was flirting up a storm and we were passing witty quips across the dinner table. Forget passing the bread and the amazing tapas (frogs legs to be excact). He is so easy to talk to and I feel like I can tell him anything. Usually with niew relationship, I try to be "different" in a way. But it came to me that if any relationship is going to work I need to be myself and share those insecurities because if that person loves me, he will also love everything about me.

It is also important to note that, he likes Zara. That is a plus 50 points. I must say that I was the one flirting up a storm. Because it was so much fun and easy. I love making him laugh - its one of my new favorite things, seeing him laugh and smile. I really like it. And we had a great car ride back and then we spent 3 hours. Sitting on his bed. Talking. Thats it. Talking.

I am still a little confused by the whole thing. Last night and this morning my head was spinning around. Today not so much. I feel as if I should have kissed him but I also feel as if he should have kissed me, maybe I am old fashion like that. But nonetheless, I feel like I have a lot to work out. And in a way, I cant believe that I am saying this, but Ido is right. I feel like he needs to come to me. Because his last girlfriend did all the work and I feel like when a woman does all the work, it never works out. I don't want to play games. I hate that. But, I need to make it clear that I am interested. But I dont want anything serious and what if I want to get back together with Steve??? Ahhh. Technically, Steve thinks that were still together?? Sooo Confusing. But here is the deal, I need to kiss a boy. But that boy cannot be Matt. He is special - but priest special.

I think that the questions that I need to address are these:
1. Why did I feel compeled to kiss Chris? Why did I make the decision to stay with Steve and what are the qualities that makes me want to stay with Steve, what makes me want to leave?

2. What is it about Matt that I find great. Is he someone that I want to just play around with or is this someone that I think this could go somewhere with? What are his postive quailites and what could drive us apart.

3. Where am I in my life? What are my goals for the next year and for the next few months? Does an realtionship fit with those goals. What are some demons that I am trying toget rid of?

This blog is all about questions...the answers will come with time...

I am not sure who is the idiot? Lets draw straws

Soooo..... I have a crush on a boy.



In typical Tracy fashion, I always make a big deal out of crushes. Always thinking that he is the one. I think that I need to analyze. His name is Matt. Hot in an intellectual way. Bringing it all back to sex, he looks like a man who would passionately make love to you but has that side of giving you a good screw. He is funny, intellectual, loyal, sweet, and kind of an idiot. Sometimes he says these things that make me completely laugh and crack up but in some ways makes me uncomfortable because I think to myself, "I can't believe that you just said that." But I think that is one of the main reasons that I like him so much. Because he is not afraid to say certain things and put himself out there. Where when I put myself out there - I consider myself to be annoying and stupid and retreat.

We had this great conversation, we always have these great conversations, and he said to me your not a big flirt. All I could think in my head was, what do you think that I am doing right now? Maybe people don't think I really put myself out there. I don't know. But the question remains...who is the idiot? The guy who says what he wants but sometimes is awkward or the girl who has a hard time putting herself out there so much that no one seems to notice and the boy who she likes has no idea? I think that I would rather be the former but that takes a strength and a comfort in oneself that I think that I am still working towards.

I feel like I am going to let this guy slip through the cracks. But maybe I don't think a choice? I feel like I am coming off this relationship and I need to heal myself and move forward in my life but I always have this fear of losing things and letting life pass me by so I am a little bit in a question mark place. Although I believe in letting life happen, its hard for me to except that. Again, back to the question, so who is the idiot?

Lets give this a try

I think that I am just going to do this for myself - its nice to have a diary that you can always access. But I must admit, I am writing this to communicate in a way that is so hard for me. Getting my thoughts out clearly and not sugar coating them.

I think that right now I am going through a huge change. I think that I am turning into a person that is more comfortable in her own skin. But their are inherent behaviors that I think that are so hard for me to give up. I have always been a bully. Always. I have to make fun of someoe or be able to pick on someone because I have never felt smart or ok with my self. I can remember being five years old and being un happy. I feel like I have done this with every boyfriend that I have ever done because..well I dont know why. I have always done it to my mother and that is not right. Why do I do this? I have no idea. I just want to be happy with some one but it almost seems as if I cannot control my own unhappiness and insecurities. I have to bring the person who is closest to me. I am sorry. To everyone who I have ever hurt or tried to bring down. I was wrong. Its only because I am more insecure and have a deathly fear of being wrong than you will ever know. Its ok to be wrong. I think that this my new thing.